Leonard Fishtouch's Journal|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in
Leonard Fishtouch's LiveJournal:
|Tuesday, March 27th, 2001|
these are my days:
I live in dave's room, although we aren't living together... that is it's still under the catagory of crashing since I don't have anywhere else to go, but it's not in the definition. I guess we're still under the definition of "hooking up" one might even say "hooking up ocationally". I'm pretty sure he read my last journal entery but he hasn't said anything about it... Maybe he didn't read it... we sometimes sleep in the same bed but sometimes not. he has both a couch and a bed in his room sooo....
anyway morning comes... Dave gets up, I feign sleep. Dave goes to school. I gte up shower, eat get dressed, and get on the train and go to anna's house. anna is always waiting for me though we've never spoken about it. we sit in anna's room drinking really aweful coffee and smoking cigarettes-- anna makes beautiful smoke rings but lenny is not so graceful-- anna talks about her job (she started working afternnons since this started) about her mom, who won't stop pushing her around. Lenny talks about her depression, and about Dave in excited (slightly faked, but not entirly) tone... Dave said this dave said that... it sound pretty normal... anna and lenny analysing their lives like they always have... but then anna and lenny have blistering sex, really really good sex, and then they have another cup of coffee and some more cigarettes ... and they don't talk about it....and anna goes to work and lenny goes back to dave's house and get's int her pj's and gets under the covers as though she had been there the whole time....
in a way I'm proud of us... who ever thought we could share something with each other and NOT talk about it...
but I know It's gonna have to be her who deals with this... I personally cannot deal right now, besides I don't know what I think Current Mood: indescribable
|Saturday, March 17th, 2001|
You know when you can't decide if something happening is worse or better than nothing happening....
So weird to see anna on the backdrop of Dave's house...She must have gone to look for him on campus to figure out where I was...I didn't ask either of them...
and her eyes, The two of us alone in someone elses house (a nuetral place like a parkinglot or switzerland...)
Typical of anna to show up and not say anything, just look it me with big big eyes and me frantic, unable to decode the deep thoughts, think all the bad things possible, also seeing how bad I look of course, seeing how bad things have gotten what I have wanted not to think about (which is why I got here in the firstplace.....)
I don't ask her "what do you want from me?". I don't say anything ... just try to assume as numb and sphynix-like a face as I can must.
You see now it's all about power anna... you're here trying to invade me but I'm trying to be stronger than you trying to justify my craziness without having to speak to justify it... just you try to change me... just you try to tell me everything that's wrong with me......
of course it wasn't hours, didn't even feel like hours or eternity, like it does in books or the movie....It was MTV generation, soundbiteish, well we get the point don't we....
But I can't say it lacked drama, can't say it used to be better in the old slow eternity-esque days... as an esthetic occurence it seemed lovely, and I see my whole life as an asthetic occurence now.....
oh and how prettily she wept with out having said a word to me, just looked at me, both of us on the edge of Dave's bed, and thought the best thing to say was no verbal....
For a moment I thought I had won...but then I knew crying can move mountians....(Margeret Atwood says "she who cries first is lost" but she's wrong and doesn't know the power of manipulative tears)
here I am with a head on my shoulder...."shhhhh, anna it's ok, shhhhh" rocking her as is my duty, her arms around my back, my shirt shoulder getting soggy.
what took longer the silence or the crying? I'm not sure...but she stopped eventually and the silence came back. shen she wasn't crying anymore but holding me, at first with post-crying-hiccups, then just holding me, silent as before only now we didn't have to look at each other and then avoid looking at each other.
then she looked at me, her eyes all red streaked.
I'm not sure...
I don't think *I* kissed *her*, but I'm pretty sure *she* didn't kiss *me*...
the sex was fast and clothes ripping like spontanious emotional sex is....( as Robort Smith would say "button-popin'")
she left in a hurry in a fluster of clothes (I think she was afraid Dave would show up...) saying she'll call me here and she's sorry and we have to talk and she's out of sorts.
I got up out of bed, still naked to turn on some music, and roll a joint
I've been alone like this for hours....
Dave hasn't come back...I wonder where he is.... Current Mood: confused
|Thursday, March 15th, 2001|
I think I may be comatose...
I've been locked up in Dave's house for weeks without any really way to leave except when he's here since I don't know what happened to my key... I used to have one...I don't toalk to anyone anymore ...except dave and that is pretty freaky...It's like the closest person to me at this point is a stranger... and I can't really talk to him... I think the cops may be looking for me since I stopped callimg my mom... It's like I've dug myself a hole and now I don't even have the eneregy to deal with the mess I've left behind even if I did choose to want to get out of the hole....I've even stopped having sex with Dave...NOt as any part of a concious plan... but he's always tired and I'm always stoned and don't feel like it... I almost feel guilty having my little highschoolish breakdown at his house... he seems to be treating the whole thing with a sorta surprised apathy and enersia (sp?) which doesn't win him very many sympathy points from little self absorbed me...
maybe I should run off into the woods and become crazy.......
I think I'll climb back under my rock now (Ie big down comforter...) Current Mood: apathetic
|Saturday, March 3rd, 2001|
|My answering machine
1) anna: "where are you blah blah blah..."
2) anna: "sorry I meant to call someone else but diled you by accident"
3) my shrink: "why didn't you show up" (I love it when shrinks get all antsy b/c they feel all responsible for your demise.)
4) my mom: "hey honey" (mom is the only one oblivious to the fact that I'm "missing" since I made a point of calling her every other day so that she wouldn't start looking for me in ditches and making sure every cop in the city knows what I look like"
5) anna: "please call me back it's very important...blah blah blah plus a little sad sigh"
6) dave: "where are you?" (this is a joke, which we both think is very funny)
7) anna, again: "I'm getting fed up with you, len" (I'm getting fed up with you too, anna.
ah being gone is fun! Current Mood: amused
|Friday, March 2nd, 2001|
|Where I've been....
yes yes you say I've been gone...well I have the flu I quit my job... spend my days lying on Dave's King size mattress on the floor all my muscles aching my eyes hurting smoking pot and Super-Light cigarette which Probably isn't contributing to my health but is inhansing that pleasant floating fluy feeling....Dave has a Tv so the internet is of little interest to me now... why type when you can be passive? ...Dave Goes out... to school... to all sorts of places then he comes back and we fuck... then he goes and showers and studies and plays the guitar and I light up another joint and read the comics or something mindless like that...Anna doesn't know where I am ... she keeps sending me e-mails and leaving messages on my answering machine which I actually do check but I don't care enough to call her back...Then Dave plays the guitar and looks all worried and makes me a cup of tea...One that supposadly has health giving properties. oh well... when everyone's gone from his apartment I take long baths with one of his books...then I watch tv with the sound off and listen to his cd's or glace and one of the many Xeroxed Papers on his desk: listen to this: "How does a postulated pragmatic cultural tendancy work itself out in a specific island..." Lovely isn't it.... oh well...
I'm going to sleep...It seems to be the most proper choice Current Mood: lethargic
|Sunday, February 11th, 2001|
it's so easy to become bored with one's self
|Saturday, February 10th, 2001|
haven't updated in a while... so sent david to do it for me. HA who'da thunk I got my a harvard Guy like fucking Minnie Driver...Not ready for a swirling of the camera kiss at au bon pain yet though.... In a way I'd like to do the correct thing go to a movie with him... not a straight movie ( I hate straight dates and he doesn't look the type) but maybe to Rocky Horror... on the otherhand? IN the phase I'm in now.. I'd probobly rather get his ass stoned and just get his ass... (how that for journal flirtation?) good thing I didn't give him my number might be too tempting and I've been getting some good work done on that short story I started in June....things of a sexual nature might take all that away....
btw: anna isn't speaking to me, not that I care, the fucking bitch decided that I was exposing her to a lifestyle that was damaging to her and that blah blah blah
god can't you just tell which people have shrinks by the way the talk... it's pathetic how easily programed we human beings are. Current Mood: weird
|Wednesday, February 7th, 2001|
Anna says: "you're waiting for something...I don't think it's gonna happen unless you DO something to make it happen."
God Bless Anna... half shrink-half character from a counting crows or cure song...
"she says I love to watch you sleep she says it's the breathing in and out and in and in..."
"she says I know it's only in my head"
"and you know I was right when is said it was true that it couldn't be me and be her inbetween without you" (whatever that means....)
|Thursday, February 1st, 2001|
I had the creapiest dream....
I was sitting in the park with these two girls I used to know, very barbie doll style, I never really liked them...Anyway we were sitting in the park in the middle of the day...I think we might have been smoking pot or drinking, but anyway all of a sudden they say, " hey Let's do Chrystal Meth" (why I dreamed this I don't know, I don't even know what chrystal meth looks like, or even what you do with is which will become apparent as the dream goes on)
Ok, so they take out this little bottle of clear liquid, and I'm thinking " well, this doesn't look so bad...", and we take a little drop of this liquid put it on our tongue. I begin to feel woozie IN MY DREAM...weird. But this apperently is just a warm up ... b/c they are taking out a huge needle... and sevreal thoughts go through my mind a) I don't want to do iv drugs, b) we are sitting here in the middle of the park in broad daylight, we could go to jail, c) even I did want to do iv drugs, I have never been able to do any sort of self mutilation (despite trying,) including cutting my self or stabbing my self with a needle. So here it is about to be my turn ( we're also sharing needles which passes a warm fuzzy thought about aids through my head) and I realise I can't do it, plus I'm really scared of these girls who I never even liked, who are now hella high, and getting scarier by the moment...also I'm afraid of being arested.
So I bolt and get on a bus (duh, modes of transportation again) I'm sitting in the seat directly behind the driver. Next to me is a sweet shy 15 year old guy, of the kind I used to date in high school...I think I know him. I want to be close to him...One of the Meth Girls is also on the bus... she gets off at her stop but before she does she rubs my head in a way that would outwardly seem affectionate, but she is really hurting me, pushing my bobbie-pins into my head (funny that in my dream I know that I always wear bobbie pins...) She looked all deshevled from Barbie style, she got off the bus, she was still under the influence...
I said being friendly to the boy besides me: "someone did alot of drugs today..."
he said confused, embaressed shrugging: " I didn't do any drugs..."
he kept doing that.... thinking I was talking about him when I was talking about me (yeah yeah all you amature phsycologists shudup)
Now the plot changed...I was trying to be with that self-same 15yo kid, but his parents were trying to separate us... They were taking me away from him, by bus, I had to give a message ... It had something to do with a series of songs I heard on the radio (I was really listening to the radio in my sleep) It was important this series of songs. I had to find the last one, to write the words down on a postcard to let the boy know what was happening. I also had to pick a postcard. I had postcards with like romantic yet surealist paintings on them. I had to find one that was approprate... not one that wouls make him think I was hitting on him after all I am 7 years older then him (hey they're playing loosing my religion!!!) anyway the radio cut off this very important series of song which I needed for my postcard. I was running away. I decided to run to the radio station, they would tell me what the word to the last song were. But as I stood at the radio station, drinking from the water cooler, I realised ir was a trap. His parent would get me. The radio statio was part of it all. I couldn't leave
that's all for now Current Mood: okay
I love my job. I love it even more after a weeks vacation (thank god they let me have my moping time.)
not like Starbucks, though I never worked there, but I can imagine just pumping the esspreso machine thingi-majig every half second. Curious is so low key, and yet bustling....
And I love dressing up for work...Today I made an effort to be my trendiest seeing as how I had a week to be a bum. I put on my purple with Japanese writing long sleeve T-shirt which makes my boobs look exceptionally nice if I do say so myself, and my purple alien bobbie pins (Once in a while I just LOVE talking about clothes...call it post feminist).
oooh and Fay called me Red and I just love it when she does that... She gives me the sweetest nicknames: Len, Leo, Leona (for christsake), but Red is definitly my favorite.
My shrink said the other day that I have "fear of success."
I don't think so....
years and years of mindgrinding... which I admit I loved... but really? why do I have to go and flash my BA around...? why can't I spend time deciding where I want to go next? Mom calls me a "barmaid", honest, she does!
But I've been so busy filling myself with other people's ideas... and if I had any ideas of my own in papers etc. (pay attention MarginalUtility) they were only Lennie's interperatation of so&so's theory of such&such....Now is the time to take stock-- that is, I've learned all this stuff, which was important to me, I admit, but now I have to remind myself why I wanted to learn this stuff in the first place... be myself at square one....If I have to utilize my BA will I actually be doing that? I think I'll just be filling myself with more expectations I have to mold myself to.
I haven't realy written in so long, I haven't had the freedom I had when I was a child. Being a "barmaid" makes me free in a way... a big way. My friends are all editing or being interns here or there....I'm so young, I don't HAVE to do that now, just because I can, do I? is that "fear of success"? Current Mood: cynical
|Wednesday, January 31st, 2001|
Sometimes I think I'm adicted to modes of transportion. I wish I had a bike. just woke up and am planning to spend the day watching info-mercials or something equally bland. I doubt I could stomach anything better. I'm tired tired tired. I feel like watching tv with the sound off while listening to music. Maybe this is a slump for recharging my batteries. Maybe it's just a slump. This is definatly a toast mood. a mood for somethign somewhat subsancial but with no taste. Current Mood: blank
|Monday, January 29th, 2001|
|Monday, The Movie
Rode around on the T all day. A T pass is such a lovely thing.
First I went to Harvard Square...I love going there alone. alone I can see all the beautiful people, everyone but the pitrats looking for somewhere to go and in a hurry, everyone dressed to kill: whatever that means to them-- whether Yuppie- with harvrad socks, or Goth, or gap, or grungy pitrats....Me? I'm somewhere in between. I sometimes feel unbeautiful in Harvard Sq, but not today, with my lovely multi-coloured hand-knit sock hat, freezing my ass off drinking coffee at Au Bon Pain half waiting for Mini Driver to show up and the camera would whirl about us like it did in that movie... not that I like Mini Driver that much, but christ, the fucking poeticness of it all... me, like the hero from some movie, but a plotless movie, a movie all shots of beautiful people, and me, sitting drinking coffee, but talking to no one, just listening to my walkman (the sound track) and writing in a crumpled notebook...And the movie too isn't a box office hit-- it's a movie to be seen by one person at a time in an empty but them movie theater. That one person the only one crunching pop-corn too loud.
After I had quenched myself on Harvard Sq. (which meant going into all the used record stores and fondling all the music I can't afford to buy, I decided to go see Anna. So I hopped back on the T-- ah...if only I could live my life riding it, do you think I could get a job driving a T?-- and got off at waben.. i.e. rode the whole way back and them some. She was just waking up when I got there (it was maybe 2pm) and looking so sweet in slippers and pajama's I could have kissed her. Like an old picture of a child rubbing her eyes and looking surprised to see the world outside of her dreams. I was full of energy and made her coffee and toast while she got dressed. I wanted us to go somewhere...anywhere just untill she had to go to work. I know how she is, goes to work and comes back home and never does anything fun unless I push her to. But she was all depressed, telling me about how her parents were bugging her, and how she was sick of her job. I ended up consoling her (again) and accompaning her to work which meant back on the T (again) and going with her all they way to Porter Sq. By the time I gently let her off at work, I was becoming depressed, too, after having been in such a good mood out of nowhere. I picked up a want-ad on the way home, but fell asleep as soon as I got there. Now, having woken up, confused, I'm thinking may be going to Anna's was a mistake... I don't know......